A Beam in Darkness

We have but faith: we cannot know; For knowledge is of things we see; And yet we trust it comes from thee, A beam in darkness: let it grow. – In Memoriam, Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Throughout high school and college, I kept a notebook of quotes that inspired a young mind. Looking back, I see an idealist and a romantic who looked to poets to find a voice. I jotted this poem from Tennyson in reverent script, hoping that the words would sink in even more.

After college, I kept journals detailing the life I was blessed to have – making my way in a city I loved with good friends and few worries. I also wrote about what I could not find – something that would live on past what I knew were fleeting days. Tennyson’s poem continues, “Forgive these wild and wandering cries, Confusion of a wasted youth.” While I hope I did not waste my youth, I remember that confusion distinctly.

Doug and I knew each other in college but did not date until we were in that city together. We fell in love, aided no doubt by long walks and long talks full of endless possibility. It was idyllic, but untethered. We broke up. Even through a temporary move, though, we stayed in touch. We gradually realized it was love, rooted in a deeper sense of what we each wanted, together.

We do not know how the path will unfold. Joy, heartache, love, loss – it’s all there in equal measure. We have but faith, but faith is tested by things we see. Tennyson did not mention explicitly hope, but maybe we hope for brighter days because we have faith, the beam in darkness. And because we love and are loved, we keep that faith, and it grows. And so I hope, and so I love.